Mark’s Mayhem – New Year’s Resolutions!

In honor of the new decade I resolve to achieve the following five things in 2010.

I will take Landon Donovan to lunch and apologize for being such a hata. It’s not his fault that he is rich and I am not so rich and that he gets everything he wants and I don’t get nearly as much as I feel that I deserve. He’s quicker than me and also possesses a better, more consistent throw-in. It is what it is…Landon, can I pick you up at noon? Driving is not a problem, but could you pitch in a bit for gas?

I will watch an entire MLS game without shouting out that I could do it better. I’m old (as stated above), fifty pounds over my college playing weight and have no interest in doing anything that resembles a sprint (Beep Test this!). I can only dream to be as good as Wade Barrett or Seth Stammler. You guys no longer suck, you rule!

I will not pretend to understand any interpretation of the offsides rule. The other day I was actually engaged in a heated debate with a college soccer coach about whether you could be offsides if you are behind the ball. He thought in certain circumstances that you could. I knew you couldn’t, but we argued about it for twenty minutes and got half a dozen people involved in the discussion before I smacked him in the back of the head and ended it.

I will watch every second of every game of this summer’s World Cup, even if it means losing all of my jobs.

I will listen to one person a month who knows nothing about this game, but thinks that they do. And instead of giving them a swift smack to the back of the head (like I did everyday for two weeks during the last World Cup to Baby Bruce), I will patiently and politely lead them back to believing and thinking everything that I think. Then they will be fine.

Mark Lincir is the Editor-In-Chief of 90:00 Soccer Magazine. He can be reached at

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