By Charles Fulkerson

So you say you eat sleep and breathe Fire, you’re 100% sure they’re 75 percent more likely to win if in the first half Marco Pappa gets a grass stain on his left sock. You’ve done the calculations and found that if the wind is blowing from the southwest under 7.5 mph it’s a guaranteed victory. And by now you know never again to wear the boxers with the rubber duckys on them, because it’s a guarantee they’ll lose.

So big deal, you know the Fire’s record and all of the player’s numbers, but I guarantee you don’t know which player had the nickname BONER when growing up. At the end of training on Thursday I interviewed the team and asked them some incredibly stupid, funny and awkward questions, like for example…

Would you rather see a photo of Osama Bin Laden’s dead body, or a photo of Kate Perry’s alive body without clothes on? Or, if you were on death row what would be your last meal? Now, when I see Orr Barouch spank one by the goalie, in my mind it’s not number 15 scoring, instead it’s the guy who said he would most want to chill with Tupac out of anyone dead or alive. Without further ado-ing I give you the questions the Chicago Fire never saw coming.

Question #1 If you could meet anyone dead or alive who would it be?
#12 Logan Pause responded without skipping a beat, Jesus Christ. I assumed he was expressing exasperation at the oddball question. So in return I said ya, sorry I know it’s kind of a hard one. And he quickly said with a smile and a chuckle, “no I mean Jesus Christ.” Were off to a good start, I thought.

#15 Orr Barouch, “Tupac, ya, definitely Tupac.”
#21 Michael Videira with a bit of hesitation answered, “Maradona or Messi.”
#19  Corben Bone, like he knew the question was coming replied , “JFK,
he was the man!”
#11 Dan Paladini, “I would say Xavi.”

Question #2 Bulls or Heat and in how many games?
Logan Pause, Bulls in 6. Orr Barouch, Heat in 5. (really Orr, really?) Michael Videira, Bulls in 7. Corben Bone, Bulls in 7. Dan Paladini, Heat in 6.

Question #3 What did your friends call you when you were little?
Logan Pause, “Log, and kids would always say, what did Spock find in the toilet? Log!”
Orr Barouch, “People called me Orbinho.”
Michael Videira, “They would call me Darey Pete.”
Corben Bone, “I don’t know if I should say it but its kind of obvious, but ya I was called Boner. Are you allowed to write that?” (Corbone was definitely my favorite player to interview.)
Dan Paladini, “People would call me Dan, and I hated it!”

Question #4 If you could have any super power what would it be?
Everyone except Dan Paladini said teleport, Dan would rather fly. I guess away games must take a toll on everyone.

Question #5 What do you put on your Chicago hotdog?
Believe it or not everyone accept Logan admitted to committing Chicago’s number one sin, ketchup on a hotdog. Logan Pause goes with everything accept sauerkraut and onions.

Question #6 If you were on death row, what would your last meal be?
Logan Pause, “For dinner Mom’s chicken pot pie, and for dessert warm chocolate chip cookies, and a big glass of milk.
Michael Videira NA
Corben Bone “For an appetizer French onion soup, for the main course butter fish from Roy’s. And for dessert regular cheese cake.”
Orr Barouch, “For an appetizer French onion soup, for dinner any kind of fresh sushi.” I responded, “No way, Corben said French onion soup.”
Then all of a sudden Orr’s face lit up and he yelled over to Bone, who was stretching sitting down, “Yo Bone you said French onion soup for the appetizer.” “YA! Wait….What you said that to?!”
Dan Paladini, “For an appetizer Caesar salad, main would probably be tortellini with some carrots, peas and some bruschetta. And strawberry cheese cake for dessert.

Question #7 Would you rather see a photo of Osama Bin Laden’s dead body, or a photo of Kate Perry’s alive body without clothes on?
Logan Pause, “Well I’m married and I don’t want to see a gory corpse, so put me down for neither.” Everyone else said Kate Perry, with absolutely no hesitation.

Every thing went petty well. Before the interviews I nervously asked the players if it was cool if I asked them a couple questions, in return I would get looks back like I was asking them to shave my back hair. By the end of the interview I realized not only did I get a ton of laughs and awesome quotes, but I also helped Orr and Bone connect on a culinary level.